Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so explain again why im purple
no
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
