Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
