First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
