She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
