Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
