just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
