Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
