I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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