I puked a lego.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
