I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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