i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
