I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
