The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
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