why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You smell like stripper and shame
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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