Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
