You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
