when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
