y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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