I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
