There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night