I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
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WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
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Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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