I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
