you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
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you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
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