between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Who died my cat blue again?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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