I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
