I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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