i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
