you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
