You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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