Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Randomize
