dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
