Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
