So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
