I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
