I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
