Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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