She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
