doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
