You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
