How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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