I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
don't judge my taste in strippers
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
