Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
