the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
