at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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