So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
