So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
