im having a threesome with these popsicles
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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