she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
