Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
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