Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
