how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
