Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
