I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
