the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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