My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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