he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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