I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
