Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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