she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
