bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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