I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
