you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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