I wish I could punch you in the face.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
