the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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