Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
