I wish I could teleport
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Randomize
