i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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