I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
