I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
someone owes me an orgasm
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
