apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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